


America's Lesson

by SoraMoto



Series: Breaking the Fourth Wall [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, History, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 06:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoraMoto/pseuds/SoraMoto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>America feels there are some things he needs to get off his chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. History

A dark room is lit up by a spot light and into that spot light bursts an overly energetic blonde grinning like there is no tomorrow.  
"Hey everyone the hero is here to straighten a few things out for you all. Now I know you all just absolutely love me but you need to get your facts straight on a few things if you're all going to be writing about me, specially in historical stories." America is swinging his arms about as he talks to emphasize his points, grin never leaving his face.  
"Now a lot of you seem to get confused about my age, most of you seem to think I'm only two-fifty to three-hundred years old. To be honest though I'm a bit older than that since the Spanish got on continental soil in the early fifteen hundreds and founded my first European settlement in 1565. They weren't exactly the nicest people though so I tended to stay north to avoid them. That's how Finland and Sweden first saw me, I was kinda curious about these two since I'd heard stories about them from Mattie. Speaking of he is older than me you know, the Vikings got to the new world in the tenth century and had a few settlements. They didn't last long though since they couldn't get along with the natives and it was a bit far to make shipping supplies to and from rather dangerous and expensive at the time, so they gave up. It was enough though for Mattie to be born. And another thing about Mattie that most of you seem to over look, he was actually found by Francis before I was taken in by Arthur. Anyway back to Sweden and Finland. I came out around them cause I was curious and they weren't overly scary like the Spanish. Then they told Francis and Arthur about me. When I saw these two they kind of made me laugh with how they were acting toward each other and they were trying to win my affections. I know you all know I went to England, but it was not just cause I felt sorry for him... Ok I did, especially knowing Mattie was living with Francis at the time. Blah blah blah you know the rest of that part of the story."  
"What you don't know though is what was going on in Europe at the time cause I've seen some screwed up time-lines pertaining to that period that seem to ignore what really was happening. Like the Italies living with Austria and Spain. Heck Romano was living with Spain up until the eighteen hundreds. He actually sent over the missionaries that the Spanish were rather famous for, but that was one of the scary things about the Spanish. Their ties to the Catholic church made me want to stay far far away. I mean do you know they actually had a law for their female colonists that once married they were expected to pop out ten children in the first ten years of marriage and if one died they had to make up for it with another kid. I mean seriously it was all they thought women could do was bred babies."  
"Ok so then we get up to my Revolution. I wasn't trying to be an angsty kid for this. There were some serious issues going on between my people and Arthur's government. It don't even really blame Arthur for it since he wasn't the one doing it. He treated me pretty well actually, but the taxes and lack of representation. The fact his government kept my people from expanding westward into the Northwest Territory and other reasons which I can't really remember right now, not big ones at least. So quit making me and Arthur so angsty about that whole period cause we've both gotten over it and he understands I had to leave. Course then you get into the eighteen hundreds where things really get confusing."  
"Take the whole thing with Germany. How many of you think he's older than me? That many of you, huh. Well how many of you that have your hands up think that Germany and Holy Rome are the same personification? Ok, there's fewer of you now. So what would you say if I told you Germany, modern Germany wasn't founded till 1814, eight years after Holy Rome was dissolved. They also were made of the same Germanic states, the name was really the only thing that changed in the interim caused by the Napoleonic wars. Nifty huh. So unless you buy that Holy Rome and Germany are one person Germany has to be younger than me. Isn't history cool?"  
"So next bit I want to cover is something a bit painful for me. Slavery and the Civil War. Be honest how many of you actually look at European politics before throwing Arthur into things to help me with the trauma of being torn in two? Not many right, otherwise you'd know that while the South tried to bring in both Britain and France, yeah both of them, to act as mediators the North wanted none of this and blocked them from interfering. Not only that but both were kinda worn out from all the fighting that had been happening in Europe for the past several decades I mean come on everyone over there was just at the others' throats. You had Russia and England duke it out as the power houses with Italy and Germany barely able to stand on their own two feet due to troubles with unification of their nations. France and Spain had both just crumbled in the aftermath of loosing their empires and were essentially broke. So yeah I wasn't getting help from any of them. Oddly though Russia was in full support of the North and had no problems showing it."  
"So we're working our way up to the world wars now and..."  
The light goes out and there is a loud "oof" Followed by some scuffling before the lights come on to reveal Arthur standing over a hogtied American. They are revealed to be in a lounge area for the World Conference building.  
"Bloody wanker. Is this what you've been doing all this time? We have a bloody meeting and everyone's been waiting on you to drag your sorry arse to the meeting room." Alfred seems to struggle but it appears Arthur has gagged him.  
"Enough of this, I'm dragging you there whether you bloody like it or not." With that Arthur grabs a rope hanging off from those tying up Alfred and uses it to literally drag the American out of the room and off to the meeting.


	2. Biology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> America feels the fans need another lesson.

A spotlight turns on, aimed right at a brightly smiling blonde. Though the smile seems a bit strained.

"Hey everybody. I bet you're all wondering what I'm going to go off on you about today. Well its simple biology this time round. First off I will state that being a nation means a lot of the impossible is suddenly possible, that whole immortal thing, you know? But some of you seem to really like stretching things beyond what even could pretend to make sense.

Let's start with that male impregnation stuff that seems oh so popular. First off we are men so if you are going to have us get pregnant make an attempt to work out the how's of it. Even if you don't write it out to explain it to the readers have it in your mind what caused a man to get pregnant. Honestly I'm only mentioning this cause I see a lot of you just going 'oh look they had sex, now comes babies.' It doesn't work like that. For as long as nations people have been around you'd think if was that simple to get pregnant there would be a lot more little kiddies running around. Therefore certain conditions would have to be met in order to get us pregnant. So you got a pregnant guy in your story and he doesn't know it cause, you know, no guy in his right mind is going to think he can get pregnant without reason. So he gets symptoms like tiredness, morning sickness, weird cravings, you know the normal things. First off he isn't going to run out and get a pregnancy test at the local pharmacy store and no doctor is going to run tests on a guy for pregnancy. Figure out some way for him to, I don't know come to an epiphany. And while we're on the subject, timelines for pregnancies. They last nine months, and unless you have a very good reason or explanation for it to be longer or shorter you need to know this stuff. So the first trimester, months 1-3, this is when morning sickness, tiredness and those tip off symptoms tend to happen and they usually kick in more at the 2 month point than say the day after. In fact conception can take up to 2 days to actually happen after the event. so yeah the soonest morning sickness will kick in is maybe 2 weeks after the sex event.

The next biggest problem I see with this stuff is when the baby bump shows up, the second trimester, months 4-6. Depending on the size of the person that got knocked up its going to take more or less time for the bump to be noticeable. Skinny people would show sooner and larger people will take longer, so the average is about 5 months when that shows.

After that most of you seem to actually have things down up until the time for the baby to arrive. I don't care how you explained a guy getting knocked up but no amount of explanation is going to allow that kid to come by 'natural' means. Men do not have a birth canal and they never will, which means you need to have that kid come via c-section. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Ok so what next..."

Alfred stops to think and a second blonde pokes himself into the spotlight.

"Al? Alfred, what are you doing?"

"Huh, oh hey Mattie, just telling these folks about our biology. You know to straighten some things out."

"Uh, right. Well you want me to take over? Alaska is crying for you."

"What, ah man."

With that Alfred bolts off to the side. Matthew watches him leave before shutting off the spotlight mumbling about his brother losing his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> These are so much fun to write, please review.


End file.
